shadowmaster55

07 March 2009 @ 01:00 am

Hey, I know its been awhile since I've wrote anything, but its been a busy time, what playing security and all. Anyway, I've done alot of thinking and come across a bridge I thought had long since been burned and destroyed, but it appears that it still stands, against the test of time and the storm that surrounds it. I just don't know if I have the ability to cross that bridge...I mean, I do have people who care, and people who I am slowly letting know me and know what I fear and all that, but I just don't...I don't know if I want to lose myself for that long in that storm that I must face...I don't want to lose myself in it...again...thats the last thing that needs to be done, is for me to be lost and end up becoming something i'm not...or rather...something that festers deep inside waiting to get out...a darker...more insane...more cruel side that waits for its chance to take over and just ruin everything that is tied to me by mear threads...

The time out here at sea, and seeing other countries and people, gives me time to think and view life, but at the same time...I...

anyway...I think thats enough for now...there is alot I got to prepare for tomorrow...and hopefully I pass the test coming up so I can make third class...

Current Location: work...somewhere

Current Mood:

Staring an old bridge down

Current Music: my own personal mix.

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02 February 2009 @ 02:20 am

slow goings, but no end in sight

gah, very bored out of my mind here on shift.....i still got to make sure i somehow to get to the attorney office with the 500 i need to keep my ass outa jail ><....i can bs my expired liscense, and pay the court fines after the 15th, i just hope they don't fuck me over badly.....i still gotta find a place to put my car too....can't leave it next to the hobby shop....it'll get towed away.....too much too fast......but hey, i'm going to end everyday with my head held high and a smile on my face, oh, i just wrote another poem too...here ya guys go, hope ya like it.

The ties that bind us
Are unlike anything
That the world knows
We are different than others
We are special in our own way.

Everyone looks at us and wonders
They look on in awe and wonder
They look on in fear and disgust
Casting us out before they know us.

How is it that no matter how hard
We try to make them see
We try to show them were the same
That we aren't to be feared or repressed
The do exactly the opposite and kill us?

We try and try, keeping it all in
We want so badly for things to work
We want to keep it all in the end
But if we fall so hard, is there really a way?

We constantly get mocked
Beat down and tore apart
Hearts ripped open and lives ended
Our past is a mystery to even us
It doesn't make sense to us
But eventually, we'll be nothing but a memory.

We don't have to take this anymore
We can stand up and show them were the same
We can show them that we all have the power
But then again, If we put our trust in them
Will they really ever trust us back?

We push as hard and long as we can
Trying harder and harder to be equals
But in the end, we are nothing to them
So now in the end, here we are, alone again
Having nothing but ourselves as they laugh at us.

Little do they know, that we may have eachother,
We are trully alone, for we don't fully trust eachother either
And fitting in with the crowd is how we become invisible and hide just like that
Living out the rest of our days without incided, allowing us to go and do what we must.

Today is the day we stand
Today is the day we fight
Today is the day we stop fearing
Todays is the day....
That the end finally matters.

Current Location: work

Current Mood:

no time for anything

Current Music: In the End by Linkin Park

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11 January 2009 @ 07:51 pm

new temp role

well, the holidays where a mess, taking care of drunk people all the time really put a damper on my relaxation. Also, my car broke on me so now I have to get that fixed, as well as go to court on the 5th of february....><.....anyway, I think i'm just going to get rid of the damn thing.....

Oh yea, i'm going to security as well, NSF, so I won't have much down time to myself to go out and hang with friends anymore. maybe its a good thing, i mean hell, cruise is coming up, i'm poor with my management skills, and there are a bunch of people in the MA rate that give a damn, so maybe they can help me out some. I miss everyone I used to hang out with back home, all the fun times just hanging out at the mall, just talking on the phone BSing, i miss it...greatly....but I can't go back to it, the only thing I can do now, is get over the fact of the matter and do what I have to do. though...my whole next pay check is going to do devoted to my court...meaning i'm going to miss a whole month on my payments ><.....*sighs*....I wish I had a couple grand right now, that would seriously save my ass atm...

Current Location: work....somewhere

Current Mood:

unknown

Current Music: whatever I'm listening to.

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10 December 2008 @ 09:18 pm

how deep the blade

Wow....Its almost that time...on the 15th.....4 years......can't believe it still hurts that much.....as if the pain never trully went away.......have I been hiding all this time, just going from situation to situation as a cover up, to hide from it, pretending all this time to be someone i'm not, living up to others expectations so much that all I do is create another fake lifestyle to suit theirs till they are happy enough for me to move on, or a situation occurs that forces my immediate removal?.......

Yes, these are the things I think about now leading uptill the 15th....I have also seen them in the moon....the waiting 3.....waiting for the moment they can come from the other side and exact whatever the hell they want......I do not know of myself anymore.....the times have drastically changed, and I do not know if I will be able to survive the upcoming years, much less be able to keep this fasad up that everything is perfectly ok to midly normal in my life.....

I'm not sure how many people would actually give a damn, but hey, thats part of life isn't it?.......i've met so many people, made actual friends, and enemies, but still, for the 3rd year in a row, i will be spending christmas virtually alone....I do not know if I should go out and celebrate with friends, or just hide away in the darkness, letting the ghosts and demons and fear plaque me once more....I'll be on leave come the 23rd, so I won't be virtually available unless otherwise needed........I need rest...something I haven't gotten as of late due to the closeness.......anyway........tonight, sad songs, amvs with pain, and memories that rip my heart out are all that fill the night for me today.....

Hope everyone has a happy holiday season.....

Sincerely,

Lone Wolf with blade still fresh.

Current Location: rec center

Current Music: whatever I listen to on youtube.

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27 November 2008 @ 11:57 pm

The long road to My December.

Well, its been a wierd and wild ride for the last two years of my life, particularly the one that brought me down, picked me up, brought me friends, showed me love, threw me down the path of lonliness once again, turned people against me, spit in my face and showed me that I am stronger than I ever thought about myself.

November has been a wierd month for me, considering I haven't kept up communications with my folks as much as I should have. With my phone being all fucked up, I haven't really had time to get calls out, not to mention the underways from September and November had us all pushing ourselves to the brink. Now, after nearly a month and a half at sea (with weekend breaks between two) I finally have a chance to face the issues that have been plaguing me for awhile now, and to find the reason why I still shed tears heading towards the 15th of December.

Yes, December, is going to be my hardest month to get through this year, considering that not only do I have my court date on the 18th, but I also hit the 4 year anniversary mark of the day that my entire life was thrown into a fucking meat grinder my reality was twisted by a sick and twisted man believing to be a pheonix. Yes, the 15th is going to be my hardest day, because it will mark the day coldest winter I ever had, cause I may have been around family, but I spent it alone, as a cold empty shell, due to the fact that I couldn't do anything more for the person I now call a sister (in friendship terms people.)

A little something from Linkin Park that sums up December for me. (Btw, a certain someone is going to have to show me how to make those hyperlinked poems in her profile work on mine.)

'My December' by Linkin Park.

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

Sincerely,

EMFN Hall, Kody A. USN.
Finally facing a door of darkness long since feared.

Current Location: Duty on ship.

Current Mood: Facing facts and fears

Current Music: My December by Linkin Park.

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19 November 2008 @ 08:49 am

missing the prize, but continuing on

Well, results came out, and not suprising, I missed the prize. Meh, its not suprising, I went in blind as a bat, without even studying for the test. Serves me right for not studying, guess I just got to bust my ass harder to make it, and get my quals done now.....I missed it by 8.5 points, which isn't bad for my first time up, but its still pretty sad to see, knowing that a complete and total shit bag made it first time up...oh well....just got to keep striving to get my shit done, just means I'm going to have to bust out my qualifications and blast my way to my surface warfare pin now....But congrats to everyone else that made it, i'm sure you all either worked hard to get what you wanted or somehow just lucked your way or bullshitted it to the next rank, either way, you still made it.

Looks like I'll be going through with the emergency back-up plan, once deployment hits, i'm going to cancel my phone account so I can get myself back on track, though in June or July I can get a new phone or damn near free, if not for free. Well, I got watch tonight at 22, so I may just go to bed after lunch or something, probably go to sleep earlier, just to get away from everyone, after all, such high hopes, easily crushed, but reality accepted, I just got to study harder next time.

Sincerely,

STILL EMFN Hall

Current Location: work...somehwere

Current Mood:

fighting back the sadness

Current Music: Good Times Gone by Nickleback.

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09 November 2008 @ 01:12 am

moving towards the light

Well, I just have to say, its been two years in the navy, filled with its perils and treasures. Now I am moving away from the darkness I have surrounded myself for 21 years of my life, and moving into the light to come out and play.

I have finally started, very slowly, to allow myself to let shit go and accept the shit that has happened to me. I am also talking, albiet very carefully, to a girl who I am trying to make friends with. Not sure where that is going to go, but I think it will go in the right direction to a very healthy friendship. I have plenty of people on the boat who actually go give somewhat of a damn, and they keep telling me to just let it go and not worry what other people think and to fight back when people start making fun of me. Guess its advice i've been hearing for years, just something I haven't acted upon.

I would also like to say that I am going to start some tarot readings soon, with people who are wiccan upon the boat just to get a little help. I know it might sound bad, but I have a feeling that mixing my abilities with what other people know, I may just be able to get somewhere and finally reach that sanitarium i've been looking for.

Current Location: work, somewhere

Current Mood:

happy

Current Music: Good Times Gone by Nickleback

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30 October 2008 @ 05:46 pm

(no subject)

well, I work tonight, missing the bash after all, but I get to go to rocky tomorrow, got the money for my attorney too, so thats a step in the right direction, just need to call the lady now. everything seems to be going alright, so yea....who knows, maybe it will all get better with time. I hope so, I hate being like this, faking the smile during the day, and struggling just to keep sanity at night, and I really don't feel like going through the BS of the psych doc again....gah.....this is fucking killin me!!!

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26 October 2008 @ 04:27 am

shift work

gah....shift work sucks ass.......working random ass hours just to keep people off my ass till my time cranking is done, now i'm hearing rumors that i'm being switched BACK to port nights instead of being left on starboard nights like originally planned....whatever...doesn't fucking matter, i'm done at the end of the underway anyway.....depending on what I actually do work when we pull back in, is what i'll work, no questions and no arguments, though if I do work the weekend it will suck balls cause I was hoping to just chill-ax and not do shit, but oh well...either i'll miss the barracks bash or miss rocky.....damn....if i miss rocky i get to go to the wave...if i miss the bash i get to go to rocky....wow....gah....anyway.....other than that i'm doing good...passed the prt with ease on the eliptical, 44 pushups, 64 situps, 192 calories burned (i think I got a good medium to good high with that.) anyway, i gots to go now and eat, do laundry then go to bed. later yalls..

A wolf that is learning to have fun again.

Current Location: work..somewhere

Current Mood:

shift work...

Current Music: none.

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20 October 2008 @ 10:09 pm

missing the past, and the ones left behind.

Wow....Never thought i'd be this way......Thought I was over the past, but guess i'm not. There is still alot of pain and hurt there, alot of things that I am scared to revist in my mind, so I block it out, letting myself just slip into the madness of the shadows in my head....Is all that I can do, just slip in and out of madness, fake the smile during the day, letting others believe that i'm ok, but at night lay in my rack, curled up in a ball with my blanket barely covering me, crying myself to sleep, remembering all the pain I went through, knowing that it made me strong enough to endure here, but not having the courage or the will to move through it, and move on through the pain....I just don't know.....I try to keep a happy attitude, I try to keep myself in good spirits, but people keep coming in and shoving me down to the ground, guess I got alot of growing to do.....gah.....fuckers.....playing music I used to listen to as a HS kid....its bringing shit back.....I want to leave and sleep soo damn bad, but I know if I do, I'll show something that I don't want them to see.....as long as I stay on this comp...I'll be fine.......geez.....how can.....i'm fine....i'm fine.....I know i'm fine.........

Current Location: work...somewhere

Current Mood:

this shit is all fucked up

Current Music: Whatever the hell is on the ipod being played....

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20 October 2008 @ 02:40 pm

underways, long days, rough seas

damn...only been out for 5 days and i'm already missing port. I work during the day now and so i get to see more people, but i'm not used to it in anyway whatsoever. i miss my nights, they just seemed to go faster. Still going to the barracks bash when I pull in, thats not even a question or doubt in my mind. I just hope I can keep my good attitude while i'm there, considering i'm only going to know one person there, at best. anyway, have fun dweebs.

Current Location: work

Current Music: my mind.

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16 October 2008 @ 09:50 am

Mine again, Free again

And with an argument, everything that was said, She still wants to talk to me?.......Ok.....somethings up.....now that I got my fucking head back on a damned swivel, something is seriously up, I'm not sure if I was the final instrument of her getting knocked back to reality, or if I played a major role in it (doubt she was expecting me to be rebelious and break off like that) but hey, shit happens, and now I gotta keep my head on a swivel.

MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT IT ALL BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back...........*drones on with baby back for the next 5 minutes*..........oh sorry, ^^;;;;....I got my car back!!!! left at 9 yesterday morning, got lost big fin time, found the place at 5:35, got back in town at 8:30, hung out and ate the last good meal I'm going to eat for hte next two weeks, took the largest shit of my life (had to unplug the toilet ^^;;;;;) and then I was able to find a parking spot with onyl 30 minutes before liberty expired RIGHT NEXT TO THE TURNSTYLES!!!

I AM BACK BABY!!!!!! OH YEA!!!!!!

Oh yea, I'm definately lovin it (no matter how cliche that sounds, FOCK YOU!) lol. wow....Now if I can keep this untill my next night back at the wave, then I can definately say I've grown and matured and returned to my normal self again. Gah.....I'm not even going to mention what went on in that car on the way to richmond.....all I can say is, if I didn't have tolerance of ALOT of things, I think I would have thrown up. anyway, I need to make more friends, though I'm not too sure how serious Courtney and Ian are taking the whole thing of me asking them to hook me up with someone. (Hopefully they got the clue that I was joking.....>>...<<....) anyway, Gots to go back and find if I can do thine laundry before I work tonight, cause I got a shit ton to do ><....

OH YEA, I GOTS RUNNIN SHOES TOO!!!!! I CAN ACTUALLY WORK OUT NOW!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!

LATERS!!!!!

Current Mood:

WIRED

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14 October 2008 @ 12:31 am

wow....the twisted tongue brings destruction

Heh....yes, the title is right, but it doesn't bring destruction upon anyone but the one with the tongue, and, trust me, she will be hurting the moment I leave her sorry ass for good. I can't believe it....twisting my words.....saying she went to the hospital when my car was taken to richmond, when she was just too damn tired or drunk.....geez......*laughs a maniacal laugh* this is just getting better and better, where once I thought I was trapt in a landside going downward with no hope in sight, I burst back to where I was, stronger, smarter than before, and this time, there is no remorse or small little pity moments to hold me back, my heart is done and turned black towards her, now.....we'll see who is the stronger one, and was the one giving their all and who was just mooching their way through the days....*evil grin*

*a laughter can be heard, evil and maniacal, followed by the roar of a dragon.*..........

Current Location: work

Current Mood:

people and their games

Current Music: pillar 'frontline'

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13 October 2008 @ 05:00 pm

fates are cruel, and others are my bail out

Once again i'm having to go third party to get my shit back....Rayne is helping me get my car back by calling Ian, hopefully it'll be back in my possession no later than wensday, otherwise i'ma go ballistic....i'm a fucking mess right now.....i'm just waiting for payday...slap on some e-3 patches, then hopefully i can make it pass uniform inspection....found out that a very good friend of mine has found someone, met the guy once, seems alright, but i'm not going to judge. hope everything works out well for her, she deserves happyness.

WORK SUCKS!!!!!!!........hopefully abh1 ain't there so I can try and weasel my way off the boat tonight, or atleast out of work.....Two new songs on my myspace profile, both of them are hard hitters for me, one is 'What Have You Done Now' by Within Temptation, and the other is 'Hero' by Superchick (really good band.) I just need to find the right Otep song to throw in there and i'll be good to go.....

Kinda wish I could go to the club tomorrow, but I got to work....oh well.....probably would end up causing a huge fight.......gah.....oh, i spent time at Iowa Point this morning...the waters where calm and quiet, inviting more than usual....full moon tonight and i'm locked onboard the ship...probably a good thing, considering the fact that I would probably end up walking through downtown norfolk and getting into fights or worse....

Missing home bigger than shit.....I miss my brother, my mom, my grandma, everyone from school....all my friends I made outside of school....its just not right anymore.....none of it is.....the pain should be gone......but it isn't.....wonder what i'm still holding onto so tightly from the past......wish I had a deck of Tarot cards right now....there is a certain spread I want to do, its the Celtic 13...very rare and many down't know about it, but I have used it before, and it does bring up some useful information, though the self reading (which is highly advised against) bring up a very too true point about the situation at hand.

Anyway, I gotta prepare for work, and i'll try and keep updated as much as I can.

Current Location: rec center, preping for work.

Current Mood:

pain is too much

Current Music: What Have You Done Now by Within Temptation and Hero by Superchick

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11 October 2008 @ 08:04 am

Still the struggle continues past its due point.

This sucks balls ><....I'm still waiting to get my car back from richmond from Freaks house (if I had directions to his house, i'd take the 80 dollar taxi ride ><) so yea, i'm just going to have to suffer this....god I want my stuff back, I feel soo fucking numb right now without it. My fingers are still fucking numb and I get reminded of the numbness constantly. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! help me out please ><

Current Location: work

Current Mood:

numb

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06 October 2008 @ 01:12 pm

fatigue and wearyness

Gods its been a harsh time at work...With so much happening, and so much left to happen...I should be alseep right now, but i'm awake, waiting for my phone to finish charging so I can take my ass to bed. Its been hard, a full year and one month down, I just didn't understand...now I do, the dangers of the work area, and those that are always affected. I can't believe it....just so sudden and quick...anyway, I'm holding together, and it seems everything is shifting.....for better or worse, I don't know....The only thing I can do is act on what I must do....so damn tired....it sucks balls ><....*stands up straight and smiles wide* I'll be fine though, I the ability and power to continue on, and right now, there is nothing left to focus on except the task at hand.

Current Location: work...somewhere

Current Mood:

tired

Current Music: none.

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04 October 2008 @ 02:34 am

I WANT IT ALL BACK!!!!

ITS MINE, ALL MINE, GIVE IT ALL BACK!!!!! ITS MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE.......Its all mine........I want it back.......its not yours.........give it back...........*slumped to the ground, tears rolling off his face* I can't do this anymore...I want it all back...Its my life...I want it back...My fucking car...my computer...my music...my clothes...everything....just give it all back to me......but noo....you want to get a fucking attutide when I asked why the hell my car was in richmond, and then I said it better be back at marshas or base by the time I pull in around the tenth, you want to get a fucking attitude and say that my car will be back, whether or not its in one piece....bitch...break my car......you'll fucking pay for it out your damn carrier open pussy......*slams a fist into the ground, knuckles cracking, blood pouring forth.*....I just want it all back.....I'm tired of feeling like this.......I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Its not fucking fair..........but soon....i'm going to play a game with her.....sweet talk things back together, through a few lies out there, then when I leave, I'll drop the fucking bomb on her head and laugh as it goes down her throat.......wait.....*shakes his head, quickly dismissing the rage and madness inside him, wanting to get out.*.....

I just want it over with......please.....somoene........I can't take this anymore........*holds his head in his hands, the tears flowing freely, mixing with the blood from his fist.*

Current Location: work....somewhere

Current Mood:

save me before I lose it

Current Music: nothing but my own insantiy.

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02 October 2008 @ 03:23 am

Decisions of life, and the confusing emotions to stick with them.

Well, a little update about my situation, this is the e-mail I had to resend to someone to show them that I want time to myself for healing, and what happens on that day is going to make alot of people angry, sad, and it will kill a few people inside to top it all off.

"This is the e-mail that I had tried sending, guess you never got it, but here it is now.

“Hey, things are a bit rough out here without my music to listen to and keep my emotions and feelings in check, but I’m talking to my higher-ups to keep everything good as much as I can. Btw, have marsha re-send that e-mail to me, we’ve been in and out of drills so its been kinda hard getting e-mails this under-way. Sorry for the long wait on the reply, work and drills. The seas were rough and harsh, to the point where I felt like I was on a roller coaster, it was fun at the same time, watching everyone almost through up on themselves and some damn near pass out or smack off the bulkheads. I can’t wait to pull back in later this month, it’ll be such a relief, and I’m taking the time period that I come back in as a resting period for myself, so I apologize in advance if people where making plans to have me involved, I just need some rest and healing time to myself, thanks. Anyway, hows things back there? And did you get a video recording of your dance that maybe you could send? Well, got to go, working time almost.

Sincerely,

EMFN Hall”

Thanks for understanding, and please don’t pull anymoney out of my account, I need to keep it all in there to see if my split pay option for my insurance is working, and to see if my cash card debt is going to get paid off, thanks.

Congrats again on the job."

Now, what I'm going to be doing on the day I get everything back from said person, is i'm going to slip a note that I wrote one day during GQ that expresses how I feel, and that basically says i'm done with the BS and that i'm gone. But i'm not going to tell her about it till I am a good distance away, then I will text her a msg saying 'read the note in your pocket.' then I will leave all msgs and phone calls alone, taking the 3 days I have off all weekend to myself to heal.

Just know, and I don't want this to be too much of a burden on you, and i'm sorry for even having to ask this of you, but if you ever do happen to get a call from me or I do catch you in your barracks (which ur never at.) that I am in need of a watchover, cause I will have hit a point that I need someone to lean on, but I will only call out for it, if it can be used, if not, and let me know, then I will just keep to myself through it all.

Current Location: work...somewhere

Current Mood:

want to be done with the BS

Current Music: whatevers in my head atm.

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06 September 2008 @ 08:39 pm

Marraige, and the toll to keep going.

Yes, the title is correct. I was asked for marriage for the 4th time in six months. I turned it down though, wasn't ready to give myself into a situation where my heart isn't in it. I've come to a point where my heart has to be completely in it for me to want to have any part of it. Which is a major reason why i've stayed well clear of alot of drama lately. I'm going to try and work things out to remain friends, and to see if that person will wait for me to come back from cruise, cause i'm going to try and go I.A. during or after cruise, so that way I will have become stronger and won't be this wimpy little kid/teenager who won't accept the turth and facts.

Lets face it people, I'm not the man I should be right now, i'm still a fucking kid with no direction in life, and to take a step THAT big without having anyway to make sure it goes right, its like going on a suicide mission (which is what i will be doing, assuming I get to Iraq.) The toll to keep being friends is going to be immense, considering that I will probably start veiwing her in a different light, probably more as a friend or sister, rather than someone I could marry. I don't know.....I just want to make sure I get all my shit taken care of first. I still got court on the 18th of December, and I still gotta get home somehow ><.....

Gah....please....someone......show me how me a sign or something to prove that i'm doing good and that i'm not a cold-heartless bastard/monster willing to kill anyones heart/hopes dreams just to get what I want......

Sincerely,

Kody Hall

Current Location: work

Current Mood:

empty

Current Music: n/a.

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01 September 2008 @ 05:57 pm

feelings

currently how i'm feeling, basically like shit....

http://lyrics.com/leona-lewis-lyrics-bleeding-love.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCpK9CrRulw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofy_V5wczGI
That doesn't fully explain how I feel, but its close enough....anyway...I got to go to work now....maybe I'll kill my heart tonight...and tell everyone to shove off.....I can fix my problems.....but saving myself from my heart might require me to shut down everything....so tonight...I'll think on how to fully kill it all.....even if one of my most precious items belongs to someone atm...Living the lie to make another happy isn't going to work....I just can't do it anymore.....guess writing is the only way I can express myself.....so what if i go to hell for this....the emotions where all real and everything I had for everyone was real.....I just can't live a lie to make others happy...and thats what it feels like i'm doing...So if i'm wrong, prove it to me, prove to me i'm not living a lie and that what i'm doing is actually being noticed and that I'm good for more than the money I make...if not....then I'll understand.....

Sincerely,

Shadow....
A.K.A. Kody Allen Hall, USN, EMFN, Norfolk, Va.

Current Location: work

Current Mood:

used

Current Music: whatevers in my head.

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